


hang tight (all you)

by TechnoSkittles



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora has a cover, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Homophobia, I PROMISE ON MY COPY OF KINGDOM HEARTS 3, Internalized Homophobia, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, NO ONE DIES IN THIS ONE I SWEAR, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Tension, So basically just high schoolers being high schoolers, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Masturbation, adora has kinda bitchy friends, also the masturbation isn't explicit either, and even that's not too bad, but heavily implied, but just a brief mention at one point, but yeah no for real there's weed, catra is a lesbian through and through in this, if it's not listed here you should be fine but I just wanna cover most of my bases, it's nothing too bad I swear, just idk....be careful?, so just read with discretion, the alcohol is a bit more prominent in places, there's also a few other things that I'm not sure how to warn against in summary, they smoke the maree-ju-wannas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 13:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17746466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnoSkittles/pseuds/TechnoSkittles
Summary: High school is already tough enough as it is. Having a crush on your best friend just complicates things.Realizing you might be gay, well....that's probably a sign the universe hates you or something.or;;Adora and Catra throughout the years as Adora struggles to come to terms with who she is in an environment that's not so encouraging. Including herself.





	hang tight (all you)

It all started with a kiss.

It was the summer before they started their final year of middle school. They'd been in Adora's room, talking and giggling into the late hours of the night. A movie played in the background; the one they'd been watching had ended already and they didn't bother in turning off the TV.

Somewhere amidst their fit of laughter over some joke that Catra had made, Adora spared a glance at the TV.

On screen were two women, speaking in soft tones. Bodies close together. One reached out for the other, whispering something.

And then they kissed.

Oh.

Adora had been transfixed by the scene, carefully observing the way their mouths moved against each other, the sound of their breaths, the desperation of their hold. Something stirred inside her at that moment and she felt her mind haze over, watching the scene play out in some sort of dreamlike state.

And then she remembered where she was. Her hand darted out for the remote and she turned the TV off. The remote fell out of her hands onto her bedspread as if it'd burned her, heart beating a hundred miles a minute.

When she turned to Catra, she was still laying facing the ceiling, oblivious. Relief surged throughout her limbs before a darker emotion grabbed hold and she tucked her pillow into her lap, hugging it close to her chest.

Hoping it would hide what she feared was budding inside.

* * *

The rain poured around them as they took shelter at a bus stop. Catra had insisted they'd be able to stop at the convenience store for snacks and still make it home in time before the storm hit. And Catra had a way of being very convincing.

Shivering and sopping wet, that's what Adora told herself. Hunched over and arms pulled tight around her middle to retain whatever warmth she had left, she refused to acknowledge that it wasn't just Catra's charisma that had goaded her into this. That brilliant smile, crooked in all the right places, that wasn't the reason for her weak knees. Her inability to form words. Her choked airways.

Catra scooted closer and Adora was suddenly hyper aware of every movement she made. "So my mom said she'd be here to pick us up in about fifteen minutes."

Adora scrunched up her nose and looked out at the sheets of rain falling. The idea of waiting here, cold and soaked for a whole fifteen minutes, wasn't a favorable one. But she supposed it was better than traversing through this downpour and so she resigned herself to sticking it out.

From the corner of her eye, she watched Catra yank her gummy worms from the plastic convenience store bag, ripping open the package and plucking a few to drop into her mouth.

She smirked. "Was all this worth it?"

Catra devoured another worm, sucking it through puckered lips before slowly, mockingly running her tongue over her bottom lip to collect the sour crystals. "One-hundred percent."

Adora's smart retort died on her tongue as she watched Catra's disappear back into her mouth, mind straining to avoid emulating the action herself. She bit down on her tongue and turned away, ignoring the flush of her cheeks. A stiff breeze blew through the stop and she shivered again, trying to tuck into herself further.

And then a solid presence at her side, pressing close. Adora turned to see Catra inches away, still munching on her snack. Her wet curls were a mess on top of her head, sticking to the skin of her neck and the line of her jaw. The bag was held out towards her - an offering.

Adora's mind flashed back to just a year before, when she'd seen those two women in that movie. She saw herself on that screen with Catra across from her. Hands itching to reach out. Lips craving to taste.

"Want one?"

Adora blinked and flinched away, oblivious to Catra's stunned expression as she pulled away, creating a gap between them. The storm in her chest raged on, mirroring the one outside of their little nook.

"Those things will rot your teeth out."

* * *

"I still can't believe your mom let you get those!"

Catra smiled, tongue prodding at her new lip piercings on the side of her bottom lip. "Right? I thought I'd have to offer to clean the gutters or something to bribe her."

Adora looked up from the piercing, brow furrowed. "Did it hurt?"

"Nah."

"Liar."

Catra rolled her eyes and waved her off. "Okay, it pinched a little bit! And they're still kinda sore now, but I'm  _not_  a baby," she insisted. She smiled again. "All my friends were so impressed.  _And_  definitely jealous."

Right. Adora deflated a little, settling back into her seat trying to hide the sudden change. They'd both been busy with their own things since they started high school. New hobbies, new interests, new friends.

She had her own groups of friends, mostly her teammates from the sports she played. Catra hung out with more of the kids who were considered outcasts, or rather, the ones who were just really exclusive to who they talked to. Chatting about rock bands, sneaking cigarettes between classes, sort of….judgmental in her personal opinion. But Catra was happy with them and Adora didn't want her own qualms about them getting in the way of that.

Still...they didn't nearly hang out as much anymore. It was disappointing. Lonely sometimes. But Adora kept busy enough to not dwell entirely, even if there were moments at practice where she'd zone out and get scolded by coach, made to run laps. Or when she was studying with friends in the library and found herself distracted and missing material.

It was probably for the best though, in the end. Being without Catra was hard but being around her was harder. Intrusive thoughts plagued her whenever she was close, urging her to do things she was sure to regret. Her skin burned when Catra got too close, her stomach twisted when she laughed after recounting some silly story of her recent antics.

It was her own personal hell.

She decided that time and distance would make it all go away. So she didn't mind when she saw Catra leaning over the table at lunch, completely enthralled in whatever her new friends were saying. She didn't care when Catra told her she already had plans after school, a loose promise that they'd catch up some other time. She was glad when she saw her friend - her  _best_  friend - so absorbed in her own conversations that she didn't even hear Adora's passing greetings in the hallways.

Yeah. Glad.

Adora shrugged off those thoughts, not in a mood to deal with the direction they were spiraling towards. "Is eating weird?"

Catra shrugged. "Not really. Sometimes. Kissing's weirder."

Adora stiffened. "What?"

Realizing what she'd said, Catra rubbed the back of her neck and looked away. "Er, nothing."

Doing her best to shut down the gnarled feeling in the pit of her stomach, Adora switched on best friend mode and pounced. "No, tell me!"

When she saw that Catra wasn't going to relent any time soon, Adora pouted. "Come on, Catra. We tell each other everything."

Then Catra looked at her, eyes still wavering but she could see the hesitance slipping away and suddenly, Adora regretted pressing. She didn't want to know anymore.

But she plastered on a smile and pushed through. Because they were best friends.

That was it.

* * *

Her arms ached as she raised her shirt over her head, shaking out her ponytail and rolling her shoulders as she tucked it away into her duffel bag. The locker room was buzzing with post-practice chatter, laughter and gossip permeating the air with a boisterous and gleeful air. Adora felt pretty good herself; Coach had complimented her form that day, making an example of it for the rest of the team to follow. And Catra was going to be coming over later that night for a sleepover so they could binge the new Netflix horror series that'd just come out.

She rifled through her bag to find a shirt to change into and had just procured it when one of the newer girls on the team - Brandy, if she remembered right - came over to ask for a hair brush. With a little more rifling through her bag, she held it out and received a grateful smile in response.

She was about halfway dressed when she noticed Brandy eyeing her curiously. She paused, ready to ask why, when she was beaten to the punch.

"You hang out with that one weird girl, right? Curly hair, all the piercings?"

Adora bit the inside of her cheek. "Yeah."

A part of her wanted to offer some sort of explanation - a defense for Catra? Justification for herself? - but, once more, Brandy was quicker.

"Oh. Okay. Nothing wrong with that," she assured, but it was rushed and empty. A disclaimer. "Just thought you might feel weird about it sometimes."

Adora shrugged and tugged on her shoes, deciding to focus most of her attention on getting out of there now. The longer she spent here, the more her mood was sure to sour. This wasn't the first time people commented on her friendship with Catra, finding their bond strange despite being from entirely different social circles. None of them understood. She didn't expect them to. And she was tired of trying to help them.

Still, "We've known each other since we were kids."

Brandy's eyes widened in alarm, as if panicked that she'd upset Adora (she had). "Oh, god no! I don't wanna sound accusatory or judgey or whatever. I'm just saying, you're never worried about her coming onto you or whatever?"

Adora froze and looked slowly up, blinking owlishly. "I….what?"

Brandy shrugged and resumed brushing her hair. "Well, I heard from some people that she's a dyke." She winced and shot Adora a quick glance and held up her hands in a placating gesture. "Right. Sorry. 2019. I heard she's a  _lesbian_."

A hot flash surged through her and her heart skipped a beat - a reaction she wasn't sure how to categorize. At a complete loss for words, Brandy took that as her cue to continue.

"Yeah so, I was just wondering, ya know. Aren't you ever worried that she might, like, hit on you or something? Cause that'd be weird, right?"

Adora bit her lip and looked down, knotting her shoelaces a little too aggressively. "No….no I'm not worried."

Brandy nodded. "Yeah, okay. I guess you guys are too good friends or something like that, right? Like I said, I was just wondering. But still, I'd be careful if I were you, ya know? You never really know with people like that."

Another hot flash surged through her, something that reminded her of anger. She finished tying her shoelaces just as Brandy set down the hairbrush on the bench next to her, thanking her and giving a cheerful goodbye, before scurrying off to the other side of the room to gather her belongings.

Adora watched her go, the heat consuming her entire body as she began to shake. She thought of all the things she'd wish she'd said in Catra's defense. She thought of how idiotic that a mindset like that still existed and thrived. She thought of how infuriating that her best friend couldn't be who she was freely without getting judged or accused of being predatory.

Adora glanced around the locker room, catching the gazes of a few of the other girls, who all smiled at her. Did they all think the same thing?

Her skin grew hotter and she thought of Catra and...her own feelings.

Adora picked up her hairbrush in a white-knuckled grip, shoving it into her bag and zipping it closed, biting her lip and stifling her tears. Only when she had made her hasty retreat from the locker room did a couple of them fall.

She recognized the feeling now. That white hot flash consuming her.

It was shame.

If any of them knew...if  _Catra_  knew…

Would she be viewed the same way?

She shook her head and pulled her phone out of her pocket, fingers typing before her mind had a chance to catch up.

**4:24 pm - Don't feel so good. Have to cancel tonight**

Catra texted back just two minutes later and Adora ignored it.

* * *

A couple weeks later, when her and Catra are at the mall, Catra grabbed her hand to try and drag her into some store.

The smile on her face melted when Adora flinched and yanked her hand away, mumbling something about going to the bathroom before walking away quickly.

All around her she can feel eyes watching, judging, accusatory.

She hardly made it inside the stall before the tears spill over.

Minutes later, when she caught up with Catra only to tell her she had to go home with the excuse of getting started on an essay, she still could hear those voices echoing in her head. Still felt the burning in her hand.

Catra was disappointed but made some joke about her being a nerd.

Adora smiled through the pain, feeling the claws of judgment dig in deeper, the shame burn hotter, the guilt suffocating.

They didn't talk for a couple more weeks.

* * *

She was cornered.

Really, there was plenty of open space around her. The spring breeze blew gently across her still flushed face, a product of a vigorous practice and the heat of the day. She sat on a bench just outside the school entrance, waiting for her ride to take her home, when he found her and asked to sit next to her.

She vaguely recognized him from the baseball team, placing him by his overinflated ego that barely matched his actual skill. Some of the girls on her team would mention him by name, but she mostly tuned them out.

He made light conversation and Adora indulged him, finding no better way to pass the time.

His question was sudden and Adora felt trapped, locked into place by those piercing green eyes. He leaned closer to her, a crooked smile on his lips, dysfunctional. Disfigured.

All wrong.

In the back of her mind, she was well aware how this moment would've been every girl's dream. Her teammates would be over the moon if they found out. She'd be the most coveted girl in their year.

But all she felt was uncomfortable. Lackluster. An animal pressed against a wall, hairs raised and teeth bared in a last ditch attempt to fend off a predator.

Predator, huh?

As things would happen, her thoughts immediately turned to Catra and she remembered the stories she'd been told. Skipped classes underneath bleachers. After-school hangouts away from prying eyes. A nonchalant smugness and pride as she glowed with each detail.

And she thought of the heat of the school's gaze. The scornful looks, the whispered tones. Her own shame that threatened to pull her under and drown her each day. The jealousy that threatened to expose her, biting into her skin with each lash. Each story. Each word.

She had an opportunity. To forget it all. To leave it all behind her.

To fix herself.

When her ride finally arrived, her phone was heavier with one new number.

* * *

Spring came and went. The summer had nearly gone and past.

The uproar that had kickstarted when her new relationship was discovered had only died down to a buzz. Her friends cooed over all the texts. All the details. Other girls shot her dirty looks.

She tried not to let any of it get to her.

Instead she focused on school. Threw her energy into practice and games and tournaments. Occupied her thoughts by hanging out with friends. Devoted her time to adjusting, to aligning herself with how she ought to be.

She had a boyfriend. Everything was better now. Everything was right.

Cadence treated her well enough. He was a gentleman. When he walked her to class, her offered to hold her books, even though they both knew she was more than capable. He took her out on weekends, paying for everything even though Adora could afford to take care of herself. He called and texted, he was gentle, he was thoughtful. Her parents appreciated him enough. Her friends couldn't get enough of him.

Catra…

She didn't see much of Catra anymore.

* * *

It was nearing the end of summer and one of Cadence's friends, a guy on his team, was throwing a party because his parents wouldl be out of town. Adora was practically expected to go.

She surprised herself by inviting Catra along. She was even more surprised when Catra accepted.

They don't arrive together. Adora was already deadlocked into going with Cadence, to keep up appearances. It was what everyone expects to happen. So she just texted Catra the address and waited impatiently for her to walk through the door. She was pulled from circle to circle, chatting idly with people she knows and those she doesn't but they know her. But she couldn't stay focused. Her eyes roamed around the room, finding the door every few minutes, hand twitching at her side as she restrains herself against checking her phone.

When Catra finally arrives, she was sitting on the living room couch, passively watching a game of suck and blow while nursing a bottle of hard cider - her first and only drink so far.

"Too afraid to join in on the fun?"

Adora whirled around and felt her heart skip at the sight of her best friend. Seeing her here in the dim lighting of the room, decked out in a mesh crop top and high-waisted shorts made her falter. Maybe inviting her hadn't been such a smart idea.

She faked a smile. "I'd be the odd number." She shrugged and took a long drink, thankful for the distracting burn as Catra leapt over the back of the couch and landed right next to her. "Besides, I'm more content in watching anyway."

Catra nodded beside her, arm extended and Adora passed over her bottle and watched Catra throw back nearly half of it. Old feelings stirred somewhere deep inside of her and she knew in that moment that this had definitely been an awful idea.

"Yeah you'd probably suck anyway," Catra teased and the smile that crept onto Adora's face was genuine.

"Like you'd do any better."

Their banter came easy and their old dynamic came easier and in just moments, it was like they'd never been apart. People came and went out of the room, a few stopping to say hi to Adora, but their conversation never faltered. They swapped stories of their summers, shared the dreadful feelings of their upcoming senior year, and teased and jabbed and talked utter nonsense for what felt like forever.

Eventually, when each girl was on their third beer, Catra took a parsing glance around the room before turning back to Adora. "Hey, feel like getting out of here?"

Adora lazily swirled the last swigs of her drink around in her bottle. "What were you thinking?"

Catra shrugged and set her own bottle down and when she stood up, Adora followed. They both walked out of the room, Catra's hand hesitantly reaching back to find Adora's to pull her through the crowd and Adora took it without hesitation. Without thought.

They were already out the door and down the street when Adora finally remembered Cadence.

* * *

It had been Catra's idea to sneak into the community pool. And Adora went along with it all too easily, her judgment clouded and her worries stifled with the aid of the drinks she'd had earlier.

Jumping the fence took a bit of effort on her part, but Catra was able to clear it so easily that Adora wondered how many times she'd done it before. They'd been apart so long at this point. What else did she not know about her own best friend?

She was shaken out of her thoughts when Catra tugged her shirt over her head and moved to immediately unbutton her shorts. Adora stared, mouth agape, eyes raking over bare skin and fixed on the black bra and panties set she wore before reflex kicked in and she felt herself burning with shame. She averted her gaze, eyes darting around them.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

Catra kicked off her shorts and bent over to untie her boots. "Um, going for a swim? Adora why the hell do you think we snuck in here? To do our taxes?"

Adora kicked at the ground, still refusing to look anywhere in Catra's direction. "We don't have to pay taxes," she mumbled lamely.

"Exactly." And then Catra was walking towards her and Adora could  _feel_  her just inches away. Her face burned bright and she was thankful that it was night time. "So go ahead and toss your clothes and get in with me, dummy."

Unfortunately, that string of words in that order successfully made Adora short circuit on the spot. And she hadn't even  _looked_  at Catra yet.

When she remained unresponsive, she heard Catra scoff and even imagined her rolling her eyes before she walked away. "Whatever. You can keep being stuck up if you want to. I'm getting in." Seconds later, she heard the smack of skin hitting water accompanied with a splash, following shortly by the sound of a deep inhale that signaled Catra resurfacing.

Adora remained in steadfastly in place as she listened to the sounds of water moving. All was silent between them.

Then a groan. "Fucking hell. Would you stop being such a princess and get in the damn pool?"

Adora frowned and crossed her arms, raising her head to level a glare at Catra. "I am not a princess!"

"Then prove it and strip, bitch!"

Warily, Adora looked at where Catra was currently bobbing in the pool. Her hair was soaked and floating around her, her curls pulled down and most of their normal volume absent. The water was up to her collarbone and it was dark enough that Adora could hardly see her form underneath besides a large shadowy blob.

Still, taking off her own clothes and getting into the water would change things drastically. With one last cursory glance around the area, absent of all life and movement, Adora realized that she didn't really care anymore. For now, she'd be okay.

Right?

Fuck it.

Catra whooped when Adora took the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head, dropping it to the ground as she toed off her sneakers. Abandoning her pants in a heap next to her other discarded clothes, she stuck out her tongue and broke out into a sprint, giving Catra barely enough time to move before she sent herself hurtling into the water.

In the few seconds after her dive, with the water rushing around her as she hung suspended, all was calm. Everything was okay. She could just be herself again.

When she resurfaced, she was greeted with a splash to the face and high-pitched laugh which grew higher when she retaliated. Both girls darted around the pool, splashing each other in the dark, hidden away from prying eyes with only a half-full moon to bear witness.

They talked in-between attacks, mostly taunts and jeers, and everything felt...normal again.

Soon, Adora grew tired and opted to take a break on the edge of the pool, pulling herself up and letting her feet dangle in the water. The warm night air still felt somewhat chilled, but she found that she didn't mind so much.

Catra remained in the pool, idly floating around, ducking beneath the water every so often and slicking back her hair when she resurfaced. Adora watched her fondly, a warmth growing inside that had been absent for too long.

It might've been the alcohol still in her system. "What's it like? Kissing girls."

Catra stopped for a moment and cast her a curious glance that soon turned into something light-hearted. Teasing. "What's it like kissing boys?"

Adora frowned and leaned forward. "I'm serious."

A moment's pause. Then Catra shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I don't think it's anything special. I'd imagine it's what you feel like kissing your boyfriend."

Adora frowned and circled her foot in the water, watching the ripples. She didn't feel much kissing Cadence.

And then Catra was taking up her vision, head tilted back and mismatched eyes locked on hers. They twinkled in the low light, beacons in the darkness, and Adora forgot how to breathe. She was pushing up out of the water and Adora hated the way she was staring. Hated the way she was transfixed by the droplets of water hurtling over her collarbone, dripping down into the crevice of her bra, disappearing to a place that she wished she could follow.

"Someone looks disappointed."

She blinked and slowly dragged herself out of Catra's bra -  _her thoughts._ "What? No! No, I...why would you think that? I was just curious." She looked away as the shame, the guilt, the feeling of  _wrong_  crept back to take her into its hold once more.

"Uh huh." But Catra didn't sound convinced. She pushed one of Adora's legs out of the way and sidled in-between them.

"I was!" She tried not to think about the feeling of Catra's skin on her own, tried not to think about her hands on her legs, tried not to think about where she was or how close they were or what would happen if Adora let herself slide back in, legs still around her, closer than before…..

Tried not to think, tried not to think, tried not to-

With a shuddered gasp she pulled her feet out of the water and stood up hurriedly, doing her best not to fall over with how shaky her legs were. Her chest felt tight and she clenched her fists.

"It was a stupid question, okay?"

"Hey, wait, Adora-" But she was already heading over to her clothes, yanking them on as quickly as she could given she was still fairly wet. She heard the sound of sloshing water which meant that Catra had gotten out as well and tried to dress faster.

"Adora, hey. I'm sorry, okay?"

That wasn't the problem. "I'm going home," she declared and finished tying her shoes, heading over to the fence to get out of there.

A hand latched onto her wrist and pulled her back. "At least let me walk you." When she tried to resist, the hand gripped tighter. "Adora, please. It's way too dangerous for you to be out alone this late."

She had a point. Adora relaxed and nodded and only when Catra was sure she wasn't going to bolt did she release her hold on her wrist. Her arm fell limply to her side and she found that she already missed that warmth.

"Just let me get dressed."

The walk home was silent. Stilted. Neither girl wanted to mention what had happened. And neither could go back to the jovial mood from beforehand.

When they reached Adora's doorstep, Catra turned to leave. And without thinking, Adora reached out and latched on.

"You….you should stay the night." When Catra gave her a look that betrayed her uncertainty, Adora offered only a shrug in return. "It's too dangerous," she parroted back.

So Catra stayed.

* * *

The next night, when Adora was lying alone in her room, she allowed her mind to wander. Playing over the events of the night before, envisioning the sight of Catra between her legs, eyes shining and lips pulled up into a smirk.

She recalled the way the water played with her hair, fanning it behind her. How droplets of water clung to her brown skin, glistening in the dim moonlight, tracing paths that Adora followed eagerly with her eyes.

And as her hand drifted down and settled in the crutch between her thighs, she imagined a different scenario. One that later would make her ill.

She imagined herself being pulled back into the water, legs wrapped around Catra's waist. How warm her body would feel, how softly her chest would press against her own. Catra's hands would trace the dip of her waist, fingers drumming a beat against her ribs, nails scratching shallowly into her skin.

One of those hands would snake itself in-between them, dipping and stroking, rubbing and circling. All while soft lips pressed against the skin of her throat, brushed along the line of her jaw, engulfed her pants and moans as she was pressed into the side of the pool.

For just a moment, she could succumb to her desires.

And only afterwards would she cry and hate herself for having them.

* * *

The backseat of the car was cramped. The pleather seating was slippery and Adora felt herself slipping around, sliding and shifting and making everything that much more awkward. Cadence's hands were on her hips, grasping and holding her up, which only made her want to sink down further.

All of her friends and teammates said they'd been dating long enough by this point. They were surprised when Adora had confessed that they'd never gone past the point of semi-heated kisses. It was scandalous, they claimed.

"He'll leave you if you don't," they warned.

Adora knew that wasn't as frightening a thought as they seemed to think, but she knew she had to pretend. She had to try.

So when his hand went up her shirt, skirting across bare skin up to her bra, she bit her lip and let it play out. Despite all of the fear and the dread, she let his hands roam, his lips kiss and sear into the flesh of her neck, his teeth nip and bite gently, urgently.

Her friends promised this was something to yearn for. Something to treasure and enjoy.

So why did she feel like she was suffocating? Why did all of it feel so wrong? Too heavy, too hot, stifling and crushing her - body and soul.

When his hands began pulling her shirt up, she gave in, lifting her arms to make it easier to take off. As soon as it'd been discarded he was on her again, pushing her down. Her back hit the seat with a muffled thud and he was hovering over her, lips working in a fervent haze, hips wiggling between her legs to align with hers.

He was hard - she could feel it clearly with how intimately close they were. His breaths were ragged in her ear, hot and heavy against her skin, and at some point she realized she was blankly looking up at the car roof, unresponsive. Just letting it all happen, detached in all aspects possible.

The moment he began rolling his hips into her, brushing against her core, her mind betrayed her with an image of Catra instead. Smug expression gazing up, half-naked body between her legs, a hungry pull in Adora's own stomach that just wanted to bring her closer. The image shook her to her core and suddenly she was hyper aware of everything. Of Cadence's weight on top of her. Of the hard bulge pressing into her, lips hot on her collarbone, hands on her waist, pinning her gently.

The space in the car grew smaller and Adora was sure she was going to suffocate.

And when a hand began to crawl up her thigh, sliding around to cup her ass, she cried out and pushed on his shoulders. By the time Cadence had regained his bearings after getting over the initial shock, the tears were already coursing down her cheeks.

He pulled her up, large hands gentle on her face, thumbs brushing away the tears.

"We don't have to," he kept insisting. "Not until you're ready." And when his lips pressed against her forehead, so affectionate and soft, she began to cry harder.

Cadence was such a sweet boy. If there was any boy she could genuinely be happy with, it would be him without a doubt.

But she couldn't. She tried her hardest, but she just couldn't.

If he wasn't enough to fix her, then nothing could.

* * *

"Doesn't it ever bother you?"

Catra turned back to Adora, lowering her raised middle finger directed at the two boys who were walking away, still laughing at the slurs they'd thrown at her. Adora was still watching them leave, a sick feeling twisted in her gut, the back of her neck on fire.

"Nah." She shrugged and knocked back the last of her soda. Then she tapped the bottle thoughtfully on the table before leaning forward on both of her elbows.

"Sometimes," she conceded. "Used to be a lot worse before."

Adora watched her carefully, not saying a word. Hanging onto every word.

"Eventually though, I realized that it doesn't matter what they say. It sucks sometimes, but I figure I'm better off being out and proud than pretending to be something I'm not."

Adora bit her lip and looked down, eyes skimming over the words in her textbook but not really seeing them. "You make it all sound so easy."

"It's a lot easier than you'd think." Then she leaned forward forward, prodding the top of Adora's head with one of her long nails. "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?"

Adora told her nothing and she was greeted with a wicked grin when she glanced up.

"We're having a hangout at my friend's place this weekend. Scorpia's - I think you've met her? - parents are gonna be gone for the whole week. You up for it?"

When Adora hesitated, Catra leaned back and tried to turn on the nonchalance; her arms were crossed, expression coated with indifference with only a hint of eagerness. "Think of it as payback for dragging me to your prep party over the summer."

And they both knew how that ended.

Adora fidgeted with her hands and Catra seemed to catch on before she hurried to defend herself. "No worries. It's gonna be super small." Then she paused before shrugging and shoving her face into her own textbook. "You don't have to. Just thought I'd extend the offer."

Adora took a deep breath. "I'll need an address."

Catra looked up then, just barely enough for Adora to catch the glint of mischief and relief in her eyes. Her smile was dark and predatory, but Adora had known Catra for nearly all of their lives. She knew there wasn't anything to be scared of.

(So why was she so terrified?)

"No need, babe. I'll pick you up at eight."

* * *

The party was a lot more comfortable than the ones Adora had previously been to with her other friends and Cadence. Well, if one could even call it a "party".

Catra hadn't been lying; it was more of a small get-together. Adora recognized most of the people from how often she'd seen Catra hanging around them at all, but she was guilty in the fact that she didn't actually know any of them.

Introductions were kept short and sweet and she'd barely been in the house for ten minutes before she had a beer bottle in hand, sitting cross-legged on the floor. They all sat in a circle, talking and raving about classes and other problems from the past week. There was a familiarity between them all that permeated the air, one that Adora struggled breaking past.

She was nursing her third bottle when she finally realized that this must've been what Catra had felt like when she'd invited her to the summer party. Maybe worse.

Luckily for her, Catra had decided to sandwich herself between her and Scorpia, but it was a double-edged sword. Even with her so close, most of Catra's attention was on Scorpia and Adora never felt quite so ignored and lonely. She briefly considered it as karma, before settling on the fact that maybe she just wasn't as familiar with Catra as she liked to pretend she was.

Watching them was uncomfortable, nearly painful. They sat so close, chatted so amicably, and Adora briefly toyed with the fact that maybe they had dated at some point.

When Scorpia leaned against Catra, hand on her arm and head ducked down in Catra's facial space, Adora felt her gut twist hard and she downed the rest of her bottle in one go.

Maybe they still were.

As time went on, despite her constant urges to leave and just sulk in her room for the rest of the weekend, she stayed rooted in her spot. Listening. Observing. An outsider looking in. There were many points in the conversation she thought of jumping into, but bit her tongue as she felt it wasn't her place.

She was on her fifth bottle when someone procured a bag and what looked like balls of grass inside. Adora leaned forward curiously, squinting at the bag and its contents, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. When she turned, Catra was leaning close with a look of mild concern on her face. Adora blinked a couple of times, doing her best to focus.

"You don't have to," Catra assured. Adora's gaze flickered back to the person who had the bag in time to see them taking some of the contents and sprinkling it onto a small sheet of paper before rolling it all up.

In seconds they lifted the blunt to their mouth and lit it, inhaling a large puff before slowly breathing it out. "Hey let's play a game," they announced.

By the time they'd decided on truth or dare, Adora was on her sixth bottle.

The game went counter-clockwise; the blunt went clockwise. When the person on her right passed it to her, Catra reached out ready to take it for herself. Without an ounce of hesitation, Adora lifted it to her lips and inhaled sharply, only to begin coughing as soon as she had. Catra plucked it from her fingers with a chuckle and took her own small puff before passing it off to Scorpia.

"That's what you get for trying to play with the big dogs," she teased. Adora flipped her off and soothed her throat with a large swig of her drink.

She was up next in the game. The girl who started the blunt - Lonnie was it? - zeroed in on her, a devious smirk on her lips. Through somewhat blurred vision, Adora noticed her gaze flicker over to Adora's left, but it was so quick she figured she must have imagined it.

"Adora, truth or dare?"

Adora's limbs felt loose and she felt like she could achieve  _anything_. "Dare."

Lonnie's smirk grew wider. "Alright. I dare you to kiss Catra."

Catra, who Adora had been leaning on for the past five minutes, stiffened beside her. "Lonnie, not cool. You know she has a boyfriend. Give her something else."

"I don't see her boyfriend anywhere, do you?"

Next to her, Catra growled and Adora turned to face her completely. She looked like she was about to say something else, but then Adora's hands were on her face, pulling her closer. Before Catra could react and Adora could access logic in her alcohol-addled brain, their lips were pressed together. One, two, three short seconds.

And then Adora pulled away with a self-satisfied smile, looking back to Lonnie with a giggle. "There!"

Lonnie laughed and Catra didn't make a sound. The game went on.

She was asleep in Catra's lap before her next turn came around.

* * *

When she woke up the next morning in Catra's room, she pretended not to remember the kiss.

Catra seemed almost relieved.

And Adora felt nothing but turmoil within.

* * *

A month of sleepless nights, casual avoidances, and overthinking later, she was in the back of Cadence's car again. But this time she was facing forward and he wasn't touching her.

"I'm sorry." She'd said it a dozen times already, but the guilt wouldn't allow her to stop.

His hand covered her clasped hands on her lap and he leaned down, trying to get her to look at him. "Don't be. I'm glad you told me."

Adora bit her lip, trying to maintain some semblance of self-control. Willed back the tears that were begging to be set free. "I haven't told anyone else."

His thumb ran smoothly over the back of one of her hands and even now, after everything she's told him, he was still so gentle and caring with her.

She risked a glance to his face and took in a shuddering breath the moment she saw those eyes, those green eyes so full of adoration and kindness. Just like the day when he had first asked her out, all those months ago. They'd come so far since then. Together and individually.

Even with everything, she was glad it was with him.

"I used you," she choked out. The tears were finally falling and her shoulders began to shake.

Immediately, he tucked her into his chest, strong arms wrapped around her, a firm reassurance. An unbreakable understanding. Curled into his chest, wrapped in his embrace, Adora couldn't feel an ounce of hatred or anger from him.

She cried even harder.

"You were confused." His words were soft but loud enough to be heard over her sobs. "I'm sure you just felt lost."

His words pierced her and even though she'd felt a lack of attraction throughout their whole relationship, she knew in that moment that it wasn't an empty one. They'd established a connection. He really did understand her, through and through.

Gratitude wasn't even nearly enough to cover what she felt towards him in that moment.

"But now it looks like you're starting to figure things out," he continued. Then he pulled her away to hold her at arm's length and offered her one of his charming smiles with so much underlying genuinity that Adora felt ready to burst into another fit of tears. "Which means you're just a step closer to being happier."

Adora sobbed again. "I'm sorry," she blurted out.

Cadance shook his head and brushed her bangs away from her face. "You don't have to be. Just keeping working on it, yeah? You're becoming more of the person you want to be. And I know I'd love to meet her someday." And when he smiled at her again, Adora finally broke down, launching herself forward into his chest.

"I do love you, Adora. No matter who you are or choose to be."

One day, she hoped she could say the same.

* * *

The news of her and Cadence's breakup spread fast. The entire student body was talking about it and even some of the teachers gave her pitiful glances during classes. They'd been the school's power couple essentially; some had even believed they'd end up high school sweethearts.

Adora couldn't stand all the sympathetic looks. She hated all the questions. It wasn't until after the fact that she realized she could've timed this a lot better to avoid all of this.

But sometimes she'd still see Cadence in the halls or heading towards the field for practice and he would smile at her. She'd known that she had made the right decision there.

" _You're becoming more of the person you want to be_."

It was a slow process, but she was beginning to think that maybe he was right.

Even still, she couldn't tell anyone else. Not yet. Not when she still had so much she had to figure out for herself. There was a lot she still had to overcome, but with Cadence's distant support, she knew that she'd make it. Eventually.

It didn't save her when it came to her friends, unfortunately.

As soon as they all heard about the breakup, they naturally pounced on her. A million questions a minute, asking who broke up with who, what was the reason, did they have to hate him now? They offered their condolences, making promises to help her through it, offering shoulders to cry on and distractions in the form of movie nights and tubs of ice cream. Adora shrugged it all off, doing her best to convince them that none of it was necessary.

Eventually she realized that the breakup wasn't even about her and Cadence anymore. Her friends had made it about them, wanting to play the role of the support pillars, itching to stir up some kind of drama.

They made everything a little harder.

And Catra….

Well Catra had been avoiding her as much as Adora had been avoiding her.

* * *

When Brandy announced they would all be attending a party that weekend, no one argued with her. And even when Adora tried, they all shut out her voice, promising her that it would be fun. That it was something she needed.

"You need to loosen up," one declared.

"Maybe hook up with another guy, to help you forget," another offered.

What none of them realized is that it was the exact opposite of what she needed or wanted.

But they were insistent and when Saturday night rolled around, she was watching from the backseat of Brandy's car as they pulled in front of a large house, alight with noise and drunken antics. She followed behind them obediently, tugging nervously on the short dress that one of them had let her borrow.

An hour passed by and Adora wanted nothing more than to just leave. Each time one of her friends circled around another drink was pushed into her hand. She'd abandon it immediately, setting it down on the nearest flat surface before shuffling off to another part of the house, hoping to lose them completely.

Another half hour had gone by when one of her friends insistently urged her to follow her upstairs. Through her slurred stupor, Adora caught on that one of their friends in their group needed help in one of the bedrooms, some kind of "girl emergency" and even though she was growing sick of the whole atmosphere, she followed anyway.

This stupid decision led to her being locked in some bedroom with a guy she'd never met in her life with all her friends on the other side of the door laughing and swearing they wouldn't let her out until she "had her brains fucked out".

Banging on the door proved fruitless and she was nearing a nervous breakdown when the guy in the room sidled up next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"They just care about you," he said. The panic swelling in her chest exploded and she flinched away, smacking his hand off and backing up a few steps distance. She watched as his eyes raked over her body, a hunger present in his eyes that made her feel nauseous. As he took a step towards her, she fled, running to the bathroom and locking herself in.

His knocks on the door and shouts, promises to be gentle, promises that it'd be  _good_ , threw her into a fit of sobs. Adora made a decision right then and there: if she got through tonight, she was  _never_  speaking to any of them ever again.

She'd been sitting there on the bathroom floor for maybe an hour, eyes stinging raw and cheeks hardened with dried tears when the knocks started up again. She was ready to scream, unsure of what words she wanted to say but just knew she wanted to  _scream_ , when she heard a muffled voice, pleading.

"Adora? Adora, babe, it's me. I'm taking you home."

Adora blinked, mind slow to process but body reacting regardless as she scrambled up and unlocked the door, throwing it open. And there she was.

Catra. Her best friend. Her lingering crush. Her everlasting love.

She barely took in Catra's worried gaze before she thrust herself forward, wrapping her arms around her and shoving her face into her neck. A set of arms wrapped around her as well, squeezing her tight and pressing their bodies together. Nothing had ever felt so right. Nothing felt quite like home.

This was where she was meant to be.

 _This_  was who she really was.

Adora pulled away, the question of "how" barely off her tongue when Catra cut in. "Cadence called me. Told me you needed someone to get you out of here and take you home."

Adora nodded, biting her lower lip and curling her fingers into Catra's shirt. "Please."

So with Catra's arm wrapped around her shoulders, she led her out of the room. The guy had disappeared and when they exited the bedroom, Adora saw Cadence, talking to her group of friends. They watched her go, faces sullen and sobered, but no matter how much she searched, she couldn't find an ounce of guilt in any of their expressions.

Just before her and Catra descended the staircase, she also caught Cadence's gaze. She shot him a small smile accompanied with a mouthed "thank you", catching his returning smile before she was led away, down the stairs, out the house, and to Catra's car.

As Catra pulled away from the house, Adora sunk into the passenger seat, reveling in the cool air and ringing silence. Neither talked, something for which she was grateful even though she was sure that Catra had a plethora of burning questions.

The traffic light was red and they slowed to a stop.

Adora bit her lip. "Catra?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to go home," she admitted.

Catra drummed her fingers against the steering wheel. "My place then?"

Adora smiled and nodded, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back against the headrest. "Please."

The light flashed green and they pulled off down the street.

* * *

Adora sat cross-legged on Catra's bed, fingers smoothing down the soft fabric of one of Catra's shirts. Across the room, Catra was gathering up her laptop and some snacks. She watched her flit about the room, turning the lights off and picking up her things. She was dressed in her own t-shirt and set of shorts, her legs on full display.

For the first time ever, Adora didn't feel the suffocating bubble of guilt in her throat for staring.

Then Catra was dropping onto the bed next to her, setting the laptop down and offering her the bowl of chips. Adora plucked it gingerly from Catra's hands, swooning at the fanged grin that Catra offered her before she tore open her own bag of sour gummy worms and immediately dug in.

When Catra turned her attention to the laptop screen, Adora took the opportunity to admire her best friend openly. Her curls were folded into a loose braid down her back, stark against her light t-shirt and Adora wondered what it might feel like to run her hands through, undoing the braid, letting the strands wrap and fall around her fingers.

"So what did you want to watch?"

Adora blinked and gave a brief glance at the laptop screen and shrugged. "I'm good with whatever."

Catra groaned and rolled her eyes, mumbling something about her indecisiveness and a grin tore her face in two.

She'd missed this.

They were a few episodes into some some TV series and halfway through their snacks when Catra asked the question.

"What happened back there?"

A cold dread settled in her stomach and she tucked the pillow she had in her lap closer into herself. "I don't want to talk about it."

But Catra wasn't so eager to let it drop that easily. "I get a text from Cadence - who, by the way, has my number for some reason? - saying you're at some party and you need help and someone to take you home." She finally tore her eyes away from the screen and Adora could see the previous worry, the fear, resurfacing. "Do you know how terrifying getting a text like that is?"

When Adora didn't answer, Catra kept going. "And then I get there and he leads me up to some bedroom with a group of bitches crowded around the door," Adora winced but didn't refute the sentiment, "and when we finally get the door open I see some  _guy_  in there. And you're nowhere to be seen."

Catra took a breath and shook her head. "Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was for you?"

It was silent as Adora watched Catra working through the previous events, sorting through unresolved emotions and trying to make sense of everything. Then, she reached out, fingers ghosting across Catra's cheek, and brushed away some flyaway strands of hair.

"I'm sorry," she offered. "But I'm okay now. Promise."

When it was obvious that Catra wasn't convinced, Adora snaked a hand into the bag tucked in Catra's lap, snatching a few gummy worms and devouring them with a smirk. Luckily for her, it garnered the reaction she was looking for; Catra rolled her eyes but huffed out a laugh. She then picked up the bag and clutched it protectively to her chest.

"I thought you believed these things rot out your teeth?"

Adora hummed. "They do."

A flurry of recollections of that day - the pouring rain, Catra's waterlogged hair and rain-soaked skin, the beginnings of a budding crush quickly followed by what would be years of shame and guilt - fluttered by. They led to other memories, some minute and others far more impactful.

The community pool. A swim after hours. A drunken question. Catra's body glistening in the moonlight. Her face between Adora's legs.

A gathering. The warmth of Catra's skin as she leaned against her. A dare. A kiss.

And now.

Her best friend across from her. A far cry from the little girl she used to know. An evolution of a crush to something deeper, something more tangible. Years of shame and guilt, of hiding, still lingering, still fueling anxious thoughts.

The glow of the laptop illuminated them in a low blue light, painting Catra's brown skin in an electric blue that made her shine. Her braid was tossed over one of her shoulders, cascading over her chest and hanging down in front of her ribcage. The t-shirt she was wearing was big and loose, the collar stretched from years of wear and tear, baring her shoulder.

Adora's gaze flickered down to her lips, seeing the piercings just off to the side and recalling the conversation they'd shared after Catra had them done. She remembered, in a drunken blur, the way they'd bumped against her own, a cool metal biting into soft and plump flesh. It hadn't be uncomfortable. Just different.

All of this was.

She was different.

Her gaze rose back up to Catra's eyes, torn between amber brown and blue, watching her carefully, scrutinizing her.

She was beginning to think that different was okay.

Adora licked her lips and took a dive. "If I asked you to kiss me-"

The rest of her words were lost to Catra's lips. It was like before. It was so much better.

Adora recalled each time she kissed Cadence, hoping to feel what she was feeling now. Hoping to be fixed. To be normal.

Catra's tongue swiped across her lip and her hands dropped to her waist and pulled her closer. Adora sighed into her embrace and tilted her head, easing herself further into the kiss.

 _Fuck_  normal.

This was who she wanted to be. Someone unafraid to love. Someone unafraid to  _be_  loved.

Adora knew it would take a little more time. That she couldn't forget all that she'd harbored within.

But she knew where she wanted to go. Knew the person she wanted to strive to be.

And she couldn't wait to meet her.

**Author's Note:**

> Like my writing? Check out more at technoskittles.tumblr.com/tagged/ash-writes


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